Relationships – Is there a secret to REAL happiness?
Relationships can be tough.
Ups, downs and roundabouts.
It’s so easy to point the finger at other people and blame THEM when things aren’t rosy.
As humans this tends to be our natural default position when something doesn’t go right, or goes in a direction that we don’t like or perceive as correct. It’s someone else’s fault isn’t it?
Blaming others because that means that we don’t need to take any responsibility for ourselves.
Phew, that feels better doesn’t it.
Here’s a big newsflash – YOU are contributing to the quality of THAT relationship.
That’s going to be in a positive way, or a negative way.
The type of contribution you make, is something that you CHOOSE by virtue of the way that you show up.
If you are telling yourself in your head right now as you read this that it’s not your fault, it’s him, her or them, then stop. This is exactly the kind of self talk that is sabotaging relationships for you.
(Side note – if you are in a toxic relationship or being abused in any way, then obviously that is a completely different situation and if you scroll down there are some links at the bottom of this article that might help you.)
You absolutely CHOOSE what you bring to a relationship.
And how you show up is a combination of all of those choices.
Some of you are not going to like hearing this one bit, and it’s going to be the people who don’t have good quality relationships and they are exactly the kind of people who need to hear this.
If you are constantly attracting drama, destructive relationships and toxic people into your life, or maybe even a more diluted form of this that ends up simply being people that are a drag and a drain – then YOU need to look at who you are and what you are bringing.
Raising your personal standards and doing the work that you need to do in order to heal your life, get emotional closure, get more conscious and rise up from your history is what’s needed here.
If you are feeling broken, trapped in the past or hanging on to a poor me story then you are not able to contribute to a relationship in a way that is conducive to peace, harmony, love and a generally good experience for you and others.
When you do not do the work it changes the way you show up.
And part of that change is that you blame everyone and everything but yourself.
When actually you are the common denominator.
People who do the work, raise their standards and get their shit together can function in ways that bring way more contribution to a relationship and to themselves. They show up in a way that is not controlling, manipulating, needy, critical and in judgment. All of these are the symptoms of a wounded soul, and if this is you in any way, shape or form then its your job to help yourself.
This is going to help those around you and your relationships too.
I’m not elevating myself here, I’m speaking from experience.
My own, and people that I have helped.
When I was a truly broken person, I showed up in a way that was hugely contaminating in my life and relationships.
I couldn’t see this of course, because I was very unconscious and my ego wanted to blame everyone else.
It wasn’t until I started to work on myself that the quality of my life and relationships started to change in positive ways.
I’m not perfect and never will be.
I still have stuff come up that needs me to process it and heal, but at least I am doing it.
I’m not hiding behind a story that it’s everyone else’s fault.
And I am strong enough and resilient enough to know that if I was in a relationship (friend, partner, family, colleague) where the other person was contaminating because they were not doing their own work, I can leave that behind. I know myself well enough to know who I am, what I need to work on and to be able to see what I am bringing to the party. I accept who I am and accept my flaws, I work on my stuff and take responsibility.
And it’s working for me, and my relationship.
Maybe next time you start to blame everyone else for the quality of the relationships that you share it’s worth stepping back and asking how you are contributing or contaminating.
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