What is Covert Emotional Abuse?

There are SO many of us experiencing covert emotional abuse and we don’t even know it.

I know that this is a shocking thing to say, and by the very fact that you may not know that you are experiencing it, you may want to sod this blog off and not bother – but before you do let me ask you a couple of questions….

– Are you the same person that you were when you first met your partner?
– Have you adapted your behaviour and “compromised” ?
– Do you feel comfortable saying no?
– Have other relationships drifted in your life?
– Do you feel sometimes like things are a bit up and down?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, please read on.

I’m going to talk here about something called Covert Emotional Abuse, that means its sneaky, under the radar abuse and its oh so subtle.
You may not even register it as abuse and especially if you are an empath you are likely to think that you are being “too sensitive” because society programs us that way.

Covert Emotional Abuse is something that is used to great effect by people that are manipulative and broken. They don’t feel whole and they have very poor self-worth (although they can project otherwise), and in a twisted and ironic pattern they look to take our self-worth in order to build themselves up. They can even frame this up as them “helping” us and being kind, and because we are naïve to their tactics we actually believe them, and then we end up beating ourselves up more and there is further loss of confidence.

People that suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder in its Covert form (sometimes called Shy or Vulnerable Narcissists as well as Coverts) use emotional abuse in a pattern that reduces us to something way less than our former self, and gives them control.
This is usually a gradual process and because of the cycle that is employed, it sets us up to get trapped, sometimes for many years – and to not even KNOW that we are trapped.

Sounds crazy right?
We would know if we wanted to leave, wouldn’t we?
Usually you would, yes.
But with this kind of abuse there is a phenomena set up that can be likened to Stockholm Syndrome.
This term was coined as a result of a bank heist in Sweden where the hostages developed empathy and “love” for their captors.
Being in a covertly abusive relationship is similar.

Its like being in a cult that no one knows about apart from you and them.

I’m guessing that if you have read this far you are familiar with the feeling of falling out with your significant other and then having a period of time when they “punish” you in some way?

You may feel like the word punish is too harsh – they might just be pouty, huffy, not speak to you, withhold love and affection, go out with their friends and come back way too late after not being in touch, or any other behaviour that is your standard experience of them being “mad with you.”

You are probably also familiar with the length of time that it usually takes to “work your way” back into their good books, right? Depending on how the pattern is set up it can be quite predictable that they usually need a set amount of days or weeks. And its likely that you may even have a set pattern of gaining favour again.

Perhaps you have to give a lengthy apology and take all the blame, even though you know that it wasn’t your fault but after all its better to keep the peace isn’t it? Maybe you make their favourite food, allow them to watch  their shows on television and relent and initiate sex – in a way of course that ensures that they feel the centre of the universe.
After all, you’ll enjoy it a bit too and for goodness sake if its what needs to happen to get them out of their huff then you’ll just do it.

Other alternative ways to win them over and get back in those elusive good books might be to cancel social arrangements with family and friends in favour of couples time, because that’s important and when you have had words you want to get rid of this awful atmosphere in the home for you and your kids so its best to just get it done.

Newsflash – all of the above and any variation of these are actually maladaptive behaviours because you have been manipulated in to behaving this way. You tell yourself the story that its “compromise” and “making up” but if you are really honest, deep down you will start to see that its always you that has to bend.

Its you that has to raise them up and ask for forgiveness (directly or indirectly) in order to get things back on track and for them to stop the stone walling and to give you some love and affection.

You need to earn that back.
Wow – that’s mad though, right!
But once its back it doesn’t matter, because along with it comes relief.
Happiness that things are ok for now.
You can relax a bit, but not entirely because you know that sooner or later this bubble of happy will be burst and you’ll have to endure the cycle again.
Maybe it will be because you say no again, or perhaps you’ll try to go out with a friend.
Whatever the reason it will be back, but you know how to handle it so its fine.

But it’s actually not fine, because you are changing.

You have adapted your behaviour to avoid these horrible triggers that set off the cycle.
Sometimes you don’t even know what the trigger will be, and this means that you live in a kind of fight or flight reality where you feel a strange underlying anxiety that was never there before – just waiting for it to all kick off.
And the mad thing is that he is lovely around other people.
They would never believe you that he can be so huffy and so disconnected when he wants to be, but then again things are probably the same in their relationship because we never know what goes on behind closed doors!

Does this all sound or feel familiar?

Covert Emotional Abuse crushes your self-worth and self-belief over time.
It’s tactical and it’s a cycle that is set up for you to stay in a situation that gives someone else your power, because they feel worthless and need to have control over someone else.

No one else will see this version of this person apart from you.
That’s because they work especially hard at creating a fake public persona that they want everyone to buy into – the persona that you bought into initially, before the abuse started.
This is a great strategy for them and isolates you even more, because no one will ever believe you if you do speak out about their behaviour.

It creates confusion within you because you don’t get it that they are two distinctly different people.
And then you doubt yourself more, and think that it must be you or your fault.
Neither is true.

This is them and you can’t fix them, all you can do is save yourself.

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